StPeter
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Contents |
St Peter don't you call me
Introduction
A one-act Play (Approximiate Times 5 Minutes, played in real time)
Written By Philip Copeman
Filmed with two digital cameras.
Background is a Green Room and all objects must float out of the Green Room.
No ground is ever shown.
Background music is classical piano by Jonathan Oshry
This is an open source project. Feel free to contribute in what ever medium you like. Use the Discussion page for Questions.
Characters
St Peter, a sharpass Jewish lawyer who dresses in a black suit, black tie and a black yarmulca - and has a blue-gold Macaw parrot on his shoulder.
Blue-gold macaw, played by Ben and voice overdubbed.
Pontius Pilate, Governor of Judea in 33 AD, in toga and Roman helmet or plastic armour.
Props
Make-up and styling
Whiskey decanter and two glasses.
Hi Resolution Pixel Camera
An Audience with Pilate
In the hallways of the Palace of Justice, St Peter is waiting to see Pontius Pilate, Governor of Judaea.
Peter : (Looks very nervous, tapping his briefcase, checks his watch)
Enter Pilate
Peter : Good morning Your Honour, thank you very much for seeing me at such short notice. I can assure you I am not here just to take up your most valuable time.
Pilate : Your Honour? Am I to suffer the indignity of being a common court judge? Is this what has become of the Governor of Judaea? They should call me the Prefect of Judaea. I don't even have my own government and now I have to run the Judiciary as well. OK Councilor, "Your Honour" is listening, but make it brief.
Peter : Thank you Your Honour. Your Honour there is this small matter of my client, Jesus of Nazareth, Your Honour.
Pilate : Well, what of him?
Peter : He is innocent, Your Honour.
Ben : *Squaark!*. Like a new-born child.
Pilate : He has admitted to being the King of The Jews. Thats a treasonous statement. Then there is this trouble between him and Kaifas, something about the Son of God? Something like that. This isn't even my opinion, he has been convicted by his own people.
Peter : The Pharisees are hardly his own people Your Honour.
(Pilate pours himself a drink, and loosens his helmet, trying to relax a little. He offers Peter a drink, but Peter politely refuses)
Pilate : My dear man, let me explain how it works here in Judaea. We don't even have a full legion here in Jerusalem. Our success here involves us quietly collecting the taxes, rendering unto Caesar that which is Caesars - so to speak. To do that we need a cooperative Taxing Authority like the Pharisees and we need a docile and cooperative crowd. I have gone out of my way to please everyone in this transaction. Is there anything more that you want me to do?
Peter : Yes Your Honour. Declare him Innocent.
(Pilate starting to become irritated, because he realises where Peter is leading him) Pilate : I have already done that.
Peter : Well not quite, Your Honour, you didn't declare him innocent. You simply handed him over to the Pharasees for trial.
Pilate : Well what else? These are my tax collectors and they keep the crowd happy for me. How can I go against their decision? Now they have clearly come back and said to me that your client is guilty. I can't now declare him innocent.
A Luta Continua ...
Any Co-writers able to contribute here?
Please put any contibutions under their own h2 heading
Contribution
Add your contributon here
Case and Defense
Add a discussion in whcohs Peter tries to get Jesus out of the Bind But Pilot alwya blocks it. None of it himself, simply him trying to keep everyone happy.
Recess
Peter have Ben have retires to the mens room. Peter has abluted and is busy washing his hands and looking at himself in the Mirror.
Ben : He's going to cream us!
Peter : Relax I seen this kind of thing before. Whats he going to do? This guys is all bravado. You've see a peacock fluff up his feathers right?
Ben Fluffs up his feathers
Peter : Its all bluff he is in corner. He is never going to allow a riot over passover.
Ben : Is all bluff!
Ben craps onto the back of Peters black suit.
Pilot in another ablution facility:
Pilot : I am going to wash my hands of this prick.
The Deal
Pilot reneters from off Stage.
Pilate : OK councillor work with me on this one. I can't overrule the Pharisees, they would find that offensive. I don't want to upset the crowd and I have even less interest in harming your client. Please send him my apologies about this mornings treatment, some of the beaters get a little enthusiatic about the whole punishment thing. These are simple people adn they get caught up playing to the crowd. So we are looking for a way that gets us all through this.
Peter : What do you mean?
Pilate : You say that your Client is the Son of God Right?
Peter : Right.
Pilate : A deity capable of performing Miracles?
Peter : Right.
Pilate : You have seen this yourself?
Peter : Right.
Pilate : Well then its easy. He goes along with us on the Cruxifiction thing and then right at the last moment he flies off the cross and ascends to heaven with angels, fanfare the whole shooting match. That puts those Pharisees bastards in their place and we can get on with the tax collecting business.
Peter : I don't think thats going to workout Honor?
Pilate : Come now Councellor, your client can perfrom Miracles can't he?
Peter : Well its not the Miracles, its the Crowd Your Honor. They will be really upset by the whole affair.
Pilate : OK well heres what I can do and really this has got to be my final offer.
Ben : Final Offer
Pilate : I have a few prisoners on Death Row, rough types, that have got it comming to them anyway. At sunset we offer The Crowd either Barabus or your Client and they make the choice. That way the Pharisees save face, Ceasar gets his taxes, I can go to the Dead sea for the Easter holidays and your client is free to go about his fathers business. You can be back in Gallilee by Monday.
Ben : I like Gallilee
Peter : Well I was hoping ...
Pilate : Faith, Hope and Charity the three sisters of damnation.
Ben : Faith, Hope and Charity.
Peter : I can take it to him, but I know that he is not going to go for this.
Pilate : Surely he is going to choose a horrible death?
Peter : He very sticky about when he does the miracles.
Pilate : Yes I wondered why he didn't do something this morning. You have to admit that King of the Jews Crown of thorns thing was a show stopper.
Peter : You're honor we have never claimed to be King of the Jews.
Ben : King of the Jews!
Ending
Pilate : Well I wash my hands of this. Let your client die if he wants to. (To the tune of Jesus Christ Superstar)Die if you want to, you innocent puppet You - Jesus Christ Jesus Christ, who are you .. what are you.. - Hey cut that out! We don't have the rights to that music.
(Music Stops) Starts again with our theme song.
(Pilate Turns to Peter)
Pilate : And one last thing councilor, you don't have anything to do with this do you?
Peter : Oh absolutely not!
Pilate : So you are just representing him. You aren't part of any of this King of the Jews Thing?
Peter : Oh definitely not Your Honour.
Pilate : None of this Son of God stuff eh?
Peter : No
Ben : *Squaark!*. Cock a doodle Doo
Act ends with Peter walking off mumbling to Ben)
Peter : (sotto voce - to Ben) If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times. Don't talk in meetings unless I ask you to! I tell you JC is going to be pissed with this. Don;t be surprised if he tells me to stand on my head and do it myself.
(Peter gets through to Jesus on the Cellphone.)
Hi Boss. How did we go? Yeah it went well. We have deal. You are going to like it. I can come round and explain how it is going to work. Whats that? You wan't me to sop buy at the apothacary and pick up some Pethadine? Don't I need a perscription for that?
